I am beginning to hate my writing again, which is a good sign to take. Its what closed me up and made into the whiny, driveling little corporate whore I am today. I looked to deep, saw the voices were not really there except for a retarded little boy who was in control of the dangerous seat of my heart. I closed the door and didn't look back until the voices and the hope returned. Five years later the doors are wide open again, and while the fear has passed, the utter disdain for the contents of the room have finally become realized.
I literally locked up a demon that whispered words and thoughts I voiced too often over these years to me hoping for the gates to open. Now that they are I see he has just cowered into the corner and is too much of a faggot to come out and play. I want to kick the little fucker square in his jawline for being such a persistent pain who had some of the sole forms of hope I had recently, but I also locked up knowledge of something up in the process of locking that literal demon away. That now has come swimming back to me like some hellish dolphin in a twisted episode of flipper, I forgot about the fucking man-child sitting in my heart. The little retard that when something gets my heart and emotions a fluttering starts up like some hypoglycemic imp with a bag of skittles. He then begins to a spastic run around the contents of my head screaming "WHOOOOO, BUTTONS!" and proceeds to crash all the systems in my head. This was all easier to accept when I had some dark voice lying to me whilst not realizing why I had just metaphorically shit my smarty-pants. But no, I had to open the box, and see the mess I left behind. Guess I must be growing up finally, and I think I may be growing up into a grumpy hermit.
I do see who I really am, what to say, but it's getting clouded by these disappointments and distractions. I need to kill the coward and control the boy, wish I could leave a gun somewhere in my head and see who has the balls or the stupidity to do it themselves but I cant seem to find and mental weapons even for myself to wield on this one.
I need to speak these things, need to explain the demon to someone and that little shithead that makes me do stupid things, I need someone to notice them too, but alas, no one seems to do that or afford me the opportunity to say them. Everyone smart enough to get it is too wrapped up with their own lives or anyone empathetic enough to see it is too dumb to comprehend. Maybe I am assigning labels, but I cant seem to understand it otherwise. I am perhaps being a picky bitch hoping for the perfect moment, but I feel like that is what is needed. A perfect moment is what finally opened these doors, but I cant seem to reclaim that. I cant seem to be important enough for a muse to find me right now. Then again, maybe that child in my heart is making me impatient and I am spiraling downward in some infinite loop of my own making. I need mental weapons and I cant seem to find em.
I tried making a list today of all the ideas I want to change in people's heads. I knew they were there, but when I went to write em down, I couldn't think of anything I want to change. Better yet, I couldn't comprehend my audacity for wanting to do that. My idealism far exceeds my arrogance. This is why I am writing, why I started this blog, why I wanted to write my book. Deliver a bitter candy of thought, but I don't know why it's bitter, and why anyone wants a candy anyways. I don't make much sense I know, but it makes sense to me, the reason why I give a fuck to why anyone else does is beyond me.
Zach, maybe you should stop reading this drunk while taking a shit and call me out. Fuck anyone needs to call me out. Justification is the fuel and I am burning out.
I am high maintainace, but I am starting to feel that's not too much too ask. I want someone to do the exact same things I want. A free trade of thoughts and a late night drunken showing of scars. I am not good at looking vulnerable with men, but I just want something to kill these problems I brought back into my life again. Applications are open for Muses, if you're cute with a nice rack and good note taking skills you move to the front of he line, but I am willing to interview anyone willing to send in a resume.
BTW, that forward post was written by me. I guess I fail at humor.....
Friday, December 05, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Fwd: FW: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
Yeah, I hate forewards, but this was kinda interesting. Bonus points if you kind find out if this is true. I'd be interested in what you guys think.
--Forwarded Message Attachment--
From: CRobbins@100AW.net
To: (Robb Digman)
Subject: FW: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2008 09:23:48 -0600
Thought you'd be interested in this, most of it seems true if not all and you you never know...... Chris
From: PBear@HUNY.services.net
Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 6:49 AM
To: CRobbins@100AW.net
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rob.IT@30AW.net
Date: Mon, Dec 1, 2008 at 7:32 AM
Subject: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
To: Tger@Bounce.com, PBear@HUNY.services.net, RU@gmail.com, E.Ore@100AW.net, OWL@100AW.net
Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2008 5:47 PM
Subject: Great Jag-offs of History
Open your purse, look in your pocket, or tap mindfully on the black piece of plastic on your desk you call your phone right now. The thing that ties us all together has come a long way since it's inception. Cumbersome beasts, tethered by giant rolls of nylon-clad copper, to little plastic monsters behest of space magic we know today, the telephone has come a long way since the early days. When one Alexander Graham Bell was trying to develop a text to speech device for his deaf wife. Just a "parlor trick" The very speech minded Bell was trying to create, in order to tell his very deaf wife what to do, since, she couldn't hear the telegraph he used to communicate from his lab. The image that Bell was trying to create a "Great long distance communication device" was just a myth, propagated by AT&T lawyers and history. Had it not been for Bell's own wife, who insisted he keep working on his electronic "honey do" list, would have been a much different story. In essence, your phone is the culmination of one man's will to tell his deaf wife what to make him for dinner and the greed that came from it.
Bell was an inventor, that much is true. Creating a grain huller at 12, making an artificial head and voice box around sixteen. He was a genius, that much is true. He was teaching vocal courses in return for schooling and board at sixteen as well, becoming an expert in his family's deep interest in "Elocution", the study of proper speech and diction. Or a gentlemanly way of saying the one true way to communicate. Think about that statement as it seems to sow the seeds of what's to come later on.
Bell was obsessed with the telegraph, installing a telegraph line from his home to a friend's in college, he became obsessed with the transmission of sound over electricity. He even created a piano that could transmit notes over distance for others to hear. He eventually became credited with a method to transmit multiple telegraphs over the same copper lines which streamlined and sped up the abilities of the telegraph system of his time. One day, while trying to develop a way to take spoken words using the "Elocution" method and turn them into a written character, he realized carbon reeds under current could possibly transmit sound very similarly to a telegraph pulse. His investors from the telegraph companies took notice and saw similarities to several other inventors they were trying to commission for a new "modern" telegraph system. On valentines day, 1876, one of these inventors(Elisha Grey) filed a patent with the US patent office for a telephone design using water and electricity. Several hours later Bell's patent lawyer filed a very similar patent which was pressed through the patent system in an unprecidented(even in this day) three weeks, effectively beating Grey's patent. In fact when Bell uttered the famous "Mr Watson — Come here — I want to see you" into the first phone handset, it was into a water receiver based upon Grey's design that never was used in any public demonstrations past that point.
Bell, when he wasn't "inventing" was mainly driven by his desire to teach others how to communicate. Helping people with lisps, deaf-mute's, and other speech impediments. According to the orthodoxy of Elocution anyone of good mind and ability was able to learn the methods and become a productive member of society. Helen Keller was even among his pupils, but broke away when his methods were not suitable for her purposes. In fact even though Keller was once quoted as saying Bell dedicated his life to the penetration of that "inhuman silence which separates and estranges." he was reported to have said Keller "...was not of the proper stock for Elocution methods, and hopefully can fulfill a lessor role in the machinery of man.".
Bell, like his father, eventually married one of his pupils. A young woman by the name of Mabel Lee Hubbard. A high functioning deaf who lost her hearing due to Scarlett fever. His own Mother was a victim of a degenerative hearing disease who went to his father for his knowledge in elocution. While both his mother and wife could speak and read lips due to their experiences as fully abled youths, Bell took them as the Gold standard for deafs, and believed they were shining examples as to why Deaf people should all be able to speak, and communicate with others as well as any other human being. Any other deaf person who could not rise to the levels presented by these women were most likely not of a proper mental ability and should not be allowed to marry, reproduce, or become productive members of society.
Bell's hypocritical disgust at deaf and hearing people intermarrying was so strong (as well as his racism, classicism, etc. that was common of the era) that he became the Chairman of the Board of Scientific Directors of the Eugenics Record Office. Which was cited by the rising NAZI party in their legislation policies against deaf, blind, physically/mentally disabled (as well as Jews, Poles, etc). The National Geographic magazine was even a publication began by Bell and some of the members of his group of industrialist society members. It is still ran by his descendants and at one time publicly advocated (and some say, still does advocate) various forms of "contraception" as the best way to "help" displaced ethnic/social groups of people around the world.
Bell's schools of the deaf (his first line of his defense against the deaf creating their own culture and not integrating into society to paraphrase Bell) even in today's times do not allow ASL to be used, discourage the usage of ASL in the home, and lie to hearing parents of deaf children that deaf kids using ASL "will never learn to speak" because ASL "makes kids lazy.". Most Deaf kids, as a result, even today, do not learn ASL or anything of Deaf culture until they rebel in high school or university. Mostly due to their parents not allowing them to learn it because Audiologists and Oralist educators are convinced deaf kids shouldn't use sign, and worried, scared parents believe the first opinion they get.
In closing, don't believe everything you read. While the surface may appear to be completely altruistic, a darker undertone may possibly become revealed. History is always written by those that win, who all too frequently end up being thieving, elitist, proto-nazis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Graham_Bell
http://www.pbs.org/weta/throughdeafeyes/deaflife/bell_nad.html
http://www.eugenicsarchive.org/eugenics/image_header.pl?id=1440&detailed=0
http://podblanc.com/eugenics-article-1912-national-geographic
--Forwarded Message Attachment--
From: CRobbins@100AW.net
To: (Robb Digman)
Subject: FW: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
Date: Tue, 2 Dec 2008 09:23:48 -0600
Thought you'd be interested in this, most of it seems true if not all and you you never know...... Chris
From: PBear@HUNY.services.net
Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 6:49 AM
To: CRobbins@100AW.net
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rob.IT@30AW.net
Date: Mon, Dec 1, 2008 at 7:32 AM
Subject: Fw: Great Jag-offs of History
To: Tger@Bounce.com, PBear@HUNY.services.net, RU@gmail.com, E.Ore@100AW.net, OWL@100AW.net
Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2008 5:47 PM
Subject: Great Jag-offs of History
Open your purse, look in your pocket, or tap mindfully on the black piece of plastic on your desk you call your phone right now. The thing that ties us all together has come a long way since it's inception. Cumbersome beasts, tethered by giant rolls of nylon-clad copper, to little plastic monsters behest of space magic we know today, the telephone has come a long way since the early days. When one Alexander Graham Bell was trying to develop a text to speech device for his deaf wife. Just a "parlor trick" The very speech minded Bell was trying to create, in order to tell his very deaf wife what to do, since, she couldn't hear the telegraph he used to communicate from his lab. The image that Bell was trying to create a "Great long distance communication device" was just a myth, propagated by AT&T lawyers and history. Had it not been for Bell's own wife, who insisted he keep working on his electronic "honey do" list, would have been a much different story. In essence, your phone is the culmination of one man's will to tell his deaf wife what to make him for dinner and the greed that came from it.
Bell was an inventor, that much is true. Creating a grain huller at 12, making an artificial head and voice box around sixteen. He was a genius, that much is true. He was teaching vocal courses in return for schooling and board at sixteen as well, becoming an expert in his family's deep interest in "Elocution", the study of proper speech and diction. Or a gentlemanly way of saying the one true way to communicate. Think about that statement as it seems to sow the seeds of what's to come later on.
Bell was obsessed with the telegraph, installing a telegraph line from his home to a friend's in college, he became obsessed with the transmission of sound over electricity. He even created a piano that could transmit notes over distance for others to hear. He eventually became credited with a method to transmit multiple telegraphs over the same copper lines which streamlined and sped up the abilities of the telegraph system of his time. One day, while trying to develop a way to take spoken words using the "Elocution" method and turn them into a written character, he realized carbon reeds under current could possibly transmit sound very similarly to a telegraph pulse. His investors from the telegraph companies took notice and saw similarities to several other inventors they were trying to commission for a new "modern" telegraph system. On valentines day, 1876, one of these inventors(Elisha Grey) filed a patent with the US patent office for a telephone design using water and electricity. Several hours later Bell's patent lawyer filed a very similar patent which was pressed through the patent system in an unprecidented(even in this day) three weeks, effectively beating Grey's patent. In fact when Bell uttered the famous "Mr Watson — Come here — I want to see you" into the first phone handset, it was into a water receiver based upon Grey's design that never was used in any public demonstrations past that point.
Bell, when he wasn't "inventing" was mainly driven by his desire to teach others how to communicate. Helping people with lisps, deaf-mute's, and other speech impediments. According to the orthodoxy of Elocution anyone of good mind and ability was able to learn the methods and become a productive member of society. Helen Keller was even among his pupils, but broke away when his methods were not suitable for her purposes. In fact even though Keller was once quoted as saying Bell dedicated his life to the penetration of that "inhuman silence which separates and estranges." he was reported to have said Keller "...was not of the proper stock for Elocution methods, and hopefully can fulfill a lessor role in the machinery of man.".
Bell, like his father, eventually married one of his pupils. A young woman by the name of Mabel Lee Hubbard. A high functioning deaf who lost her hearing due to Scarlett fever. His own Mother was a victim of a degenerative hearing disease who went to his father for his knowledge in elocution. While both his mother and wife could speak and read lips due to their experiences as fully abled youths, Bell took them as the Gold standard for deafs, and believed they were shining examples as to why Deaf people should all be able to speak, and communicate with others as well as any other human being. Any other deaf person who could not rise to the levels presented by these women were most likely not of a proper mental ability and should not be allowed to marry, reproduce, or become productive members of society.
Bell's hypocritical disgust at deaf and hearing people intermarrying was so strong (as well as his racism, classicism, etc. that was common of the era) that he became the Chairman of the Board of Scientific Directors of the Eugenics Record Office. Which was cited by the rising NAZI party in their legislation policies against deaf, blind, physically/mentally disabled (as well as Jews, Poles, etc). The National Geographic magazine was even a publication began by Bell and some of the members of his group of industrialist society members. It is still ran by his descendants and at one time publicly advocated (and some say, still does advocate) various forms of "contraception" as the best way to "help" displaced ethnic/social groups of people around the world.
Bell's schools of the deaf (his first line of his defense against the deaf creating their own culture and not integrating into society to paraphrase Bell) even in today's times do not allow ASL to be used, discourage the usage of ASL in the home, and lie to hearing parents of deaf children that deaf kids using ASL "will never learn to speak" because ASL "makes kids lazy.". Most Deaf kids, as a result, even today, do not learn ASL or anything of Deaf culture until they rebel in high school or university. Mostly due to their parents not allowing them to learn it because Audiologists and Oralist educators are convinced deaf kids shouldn't use sign, and worried, scared parents believe the first opinion they get.
In closing, don't believe everything you read. While the surface may appear to be completely altruistic, a darker undertone may possibly become revealed. History is always written by those that win, who all too frequently end up being thieving, elitist, proto-nazis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Graham_Bell
http://www.pbs.org/weta/throughdeafeyes/deaflife/bell_nad.html
http://www.eugenicsarchive.org/eugenics/image_header.pl?id=1440&detailed=0
http://podblanc.com/eugenics-article-1912-national-geographic
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